Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
